“Hang in there”, it’s a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot recently.

To anyone who reads my twitter stream, it’s really not hard to recognize that I’ve been fairly stressed, angsty, “emo”, grumpy, frustraited and generally not having my days unfold as I would have hoped. Especially so over the last 21 days.

There are things I’ve wanted to post, to say, to expose and I’m not… it’s not a matter of can’t or won’t, it’s just I don’t really want to “air my dirty laundry”, but I still really feel a need to vent in a space where I can at least pretend I’m heard.

“Hang in there Nate”.

It’s a gesture, an offering that tries to communicate “I don’t know what’s got you so down, but I care about you and I hope you’re going to be okay soon”.
And I appreciate that sentiment, I do, but I’m so sick of hearing or reading the words.

The thing is, in at least one of the issues I’m facing, I’m “hanging in there” against my better logical judgment. There’s a conflict between my heart, mind and instincts that really is, to be characteristically blunt… fucking me up.

The mere act of “hanging in there” rather than saying “y’know what, FUCK IT, I deserve better and if that isn’t being respected then woe betide they who fail to honor it” is causing a likely needless extension of the torment.
But right in the pit of my gut, I can’t find a way to do it…. I know I probably should, but I don’t want to. and frankly it’s driving me batty.

It’s a bit like the dilemma of having a pet, say a dog, whom you love and are loved by, but who is riddled with cancer. The dog spends every day in pain, you do your best to manage it. The vet says you should put him down, end the pain… but you delay the decision, you’re not ready… and in that act of selfishness, however you justify it, you do nothing good for your beloved friend and only deliver more days of pain.

What you need, what you want, and what you actually do are often very different things… so just “hang in there”.

I feel sick.